Inlightened Enterprises - Midlife Messages Blog

Judith Sherven, PhD & James Sniechowski, PhD

When you were growing up what did you learn
about how you were supposed to think about and
treat people who were different from you and
your family? What did your family say? How
about your friends? Neighbors? What were the
messages you received either openly or by suggestion?

You may not have an answer right off, because
this is not a question that gets asked very often.
But think about it. It holds the key to better relationships
in every area of your life.

We’ve asked thousands of men and women in the
U.S. and overseas. They’ve all admitted that what they
learned, some more intensely than others, was to
distrust those who were different. So they kept up
their guard most of the time without even realizing it.

What does this have to do with you? We’ll get to that
in a minute. But, here’s another question.

When you were growing up, how were you treated
for all the ways you were different from the other
people in your family? Were you respected? Were you
teased? Were you praised? Or were you brought into
line, expected to be just like everyone else or else!?

The people we asked said that they learned to hide
what made them different. Some were ashamed of
themselves. Some were embarrassed. Some were
frightened. And what they decided about themselves
was tragic. They decided that they were somehow
flawed. It was their fault even when it came to how
they were brilliant, talented, beautiful, and all manner
of other exceptional gifts.

Think about that. What was it like for you? And here’s
why it’s important. You can’t help being who you are.
And what make you you? The ways you are unique
and, yes, different from everyone else. Now think
about being in a relationship.

You are unique. Your partner is unique. That means
you both are different from each other. Now if both
of you have buried in your unconscious minds the
belief that being different is somehow bad, even
dangerous, how do you expect your relationship can
ever be truly satisfying? It can’t be if you’re hiding
some parts of who you are and judging your partner
for who he or she is.

So what to do? First, know that you’re not alone. Even
a superficial scan of society shows that everyone’s wary
of those who are different. We’ve all learned it early
in life, just like you did.

Next, you have to want to believe that being different
is okay. And why not? Differences are inescapable.
Rejecting differences is like rejecting air. They’re
everywhere, and necessary for life.

And now, about love. What is love if it isn’t accepting
of all that you are? If you have to go through your
relationship fearing and hiding parts of who you are,
you’ll have to walk on eggs, and that’s very tiring.
It will also be the ruin of your relationship. If you’re
married and have children, that will set a foundation
for them to be wary of themselves and eventually not
be able to feel loved.

Remember, love loves all of you. And love will work
its way into your soul shining its light on even those
parts you’ve kept covered up. That’s also inevitable.
The only way that won’t happen is if you settle for
false love, the pretense of being emotionally intimate
with someone.

Take the time to remember what you learned about
differences. Those lessons that bring you joy and
pleasure, keep them. Those that don’t, that cause you
to disguise who you are and judge others, they’re not
doing you any good. Decide to change your mind.
That means decide to grow up and see the world from
your own particular perspective.

When you do you will free yourself, you will free
those you would have judged, and you will open
yourself to a love that you cannot now even imagine.

Can you have it? Of course. The chance is yours.
All you have to do is say “Yes.”
****
If love is still confusing, we created this
simple yet inspiring program just for you. Go to:
http://www.judithandjim.com/whatislove