Archive for the 'Change' Category

7 secrets to “Reinvent Midlife” From the Inside-Out

Monday, September 17th, 2007

 

          Years ago, I was part of a woman’s drumming circle whose members ranged from 7 to 97. At one meeting we were celebrating someone’s 50th birthday and the leader asked that only those 50 and older speak that night. Each person in turn talked about the freedom she finally felt to be herself. Many spoke of letting go of the need to please anyone else or to be so determined by what others might think. I remember noticing how riveted on every word the young girls were and thinking, “I wish I had heard these words when I was that age.” They were given a gift that day – to know that the aging process is a process of transformation and freedom rather than of decline and defeat. If you were never given that message, please hear it now. 

          Midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis. It can truly be an opportunity to allow yourself to fully live the life you’ve always wanted.

My favorite symbol is the dragonfly, because it represents transformation and its true colors don’t come out until it’s more mature. I have learned several things in my own growth that I want to share with you – secrets that will help you reinvent your own midlife.

          The first secret is that all reinvention is an inside job. No botox or physical alteration or exterior make-over can give you what you can give yourself and must give yourself for any change to be lasting and significant. So, the most important thing you can do during this time of your life is to find a spiritual practice that will help you go within and discover what’s already there.

          The second secret is that you don’t have to do it alone. When I was younger, I used to think it was a sign of weakness to get help. Now, I realize that I get clear on what I am thinking when I share it with someone else. Sometimes friends and family can serve that purpose, but often they are too close to see me objectively. So, for the past 10 years, I’ve been hiring coaches. I actually have several, to support different aspects of my life. I find the spiritual life coaches to be the most impactful, because they support me in going within and finding my own answers.

The third secret is to let go of what no longer serves you – including forgiving others and yourself. Forgiveness is key to any growth. Nature abhors a vacuum. So, in order for something new to emerge, it’s important to clean out the old. This goes for old clothing, sometimes it even means to release relationships that no longer serve you as well. But, the most important release is the one that allows you to let go of the past hurts. There are so many techniques and practices that make this possible – and it is essential to being able to move on.

       The fourth secret is that there is no need to forgive! I realize that this may sound contradictory to the third point. But, if you really want to transform rather than just change, it’s important to discover that everything in your life has been what it needed to be. There are no victims, only volunteers. Life gives to you according to your beliefs and feelings and so, nothing has been an accident. This concept when fully embraced can make the most radical difference in your life. (More to follow on this in the newsletter, Reinvent Midlife).

       The fifth secret is that you already do know what you want. Until you get clear on what you want, the Universe has no way of giving it to you. There are several things you can do to get clear on what you want. The first is to stop saying “I don’t know”. Just notice how often you say that and then say, “If I did know, what would it be.” You’ll be amazed at what’s already inside you.

        The sixth secret is that not everything is changing. This one is essential. Most of us, when in transition do what I call awfulizing. We think that NOTHING is stable, that EVERYTHING is in flux. Get a handle on what is actually staying the same so you can feel grounded.  Here’s a place where a coach can especially be helpful.

          The seventh secret is that your life has been a preparation for this time. I have found over and over that the things I have done in the past ALL support who I am becoming. It seldom works to think you are starting all over. When you recognize the resources you’ve already acquired, you’ll feel much more confident to move ahead.

Discover the qualities you already have within you. I promise it will make a huge difference in your life.

Posted in Law of Attraction, Change, Women Midlife, Reinvention | 3 Comments »

Understanding TRANSITION and the PROCESS OF CHANGE

Friday, June 29th, 2007

No matter what change you go through in life, whether it’s a divorce, a move, a job change

Or a change of belief, you usually go through several stages that can best be described by the word SARAH

S - surprise or shock (denial)

A - anger or anxiety

R - rejection or disbelief

A - acceptance

H - hope (we have KNOWING)

Virginia Satir, psychotherapist, once said, “Change is any wound to the system. We react to any change in the same manner. When the system is stable, people know what to expect. Everything is familiar and in balance. In this stage, the individual (or organization) knows how the world works and feela competent in using the rules. When “A” happens, they know they can expect “B” results. People feel like they have control over their destiny. At this stage, people have a
good sense of security, -their basic needs will be taken care of tomorrow.

The change enters as a FOREIGN ELEMENT almost always introduced from the outside- an initiating factor such as an upturn or downturn in business, a promotion or getting fired, starting a new job or retiring. Anything that changes the status quo.

Change is always stressful even if it is a positive change. And, initially, most people try to ignore or expel it.

The two most common reactions to change are rejection and denial. Rejection is active and denial is passive. Rejection or resistance occurs when the individual or group acknowledge that the change is here and do everything that they know how to work against it happening. There is a strong desire to keep things the way they are, even if they weren’t happy that way.

Denial takes place when the rules have changed and there is confusion, but people are unaware that a change has taken place. This is always the result of a lack of knowledge or information.

Both ignoring or trying to expel a change eventually lead to chaos because the system has been upset. There is a clear lose of congruence. The old predictions no longer work; old expectations are no longer being fulfilled. People no longer know how to behave. The rules are changed and cannot be changed back. Chaos refers to the feelings of despair illustrated with comments (voiced or unvoiced) such as :

  • “I don’t know how to do this”;
  • “I am afraid of making mistakes and looking stupid”; “I might lose my job”;
  • “What if I can’t get another job, I’ll lose my house.” etc.

Self image is challenged by the new situation. There is a vicious cycle which starts when people become unsure of themselves, become increasingly prone to making more mistakes and then, as a result continue on a downward spiral of losing confidence. It is a risky time, when nothing seems sure. But it can also be an exhilarating time when new rules, new structures and new organizations can be created. New opportunities have a fighting chance to emerge only after we have become comfortable in
the CHAOS. Once we label the feelings of confusion that occurs, and are able to admit and HONOR those feelings, then and only then will we have begun to be masters of the change process. And CHANGE is what our whole life is really all about.

Eventually, when people begin to see new possibilities, a feeling of re-birth starts to set in, somewhat akin to a “honeymoon”. People start to practice new habits. There is a tremendous sense of power as they start learning the way the “new” world works. They start to feel competent and sure of themselves again. Every change, even the very worst, allows them to look at the world differently. Change creates new opportunities that were not available before. It allows for growth and the
opportunity to increasingly become more than they were before.

Once we learn the new rules and the unfamiliar becomes the familiar again, in cyclical fashion, we are now back to the status quo. Of course, at this point, we can be certain that a new foreign element will come along and we’ll be back in the cycle again.

Posted in Law of Attraction, Change | 1 Comment »